F.U.Q. #1 "The Amish do not use electricity or modern conveniences, yet they have a website. How can that be?" THE AMISH FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
"This website is not maintained or created by the Amish themselves. However, those involved in this website
are directly in contact with the Amish and Mennonites, either by heritage, friendship, or business relationships.
This website, and the "Ask The Amish" feature especially, has been created in an effort to pass along the truth
about the Amish and their chosen lifestyle. There is much misinformation about these fascinating people,
even here in the heart of the so-called 'Amish Country', and one goal of this service is to dismiss that
misinformation, and pass along the truth. We are not here to make money off the Amish, or to exploit them
in any way. Many local Amish people have seen this website, and have expressed their appreciation for our efforts.
Some participate in answering questions, or assisting in other efforts. Several local Amish businesses have also
joined the Pennsylvania Dutch Welcome Center as participating advertisers."
F.U.Q. #2 WHY ISN'T THERE AN UMLAUT OVER THE "U" IN "The Dudes"?
As of this writing, there is no "official" explanation. All we can
do is speculate. So speculate we will.
Jack Rowe theorizes that the umlaut would "confuse fans of the band
of the proper pronunciation of the band's name, so as to prevent this confusion,
the umlaut was never adopted."
For a long while, we thought that Blue Oyster Cult was a really cool,
umlaut-ed rock band. But John Swartz, editor of the BOC FAQ,
informs me that the Cult had problems with their fans on how to pronounce the name.
Spinal Tap also used the pronunciation symbol, years before Motorhead (who
have an umlaut over the second o) and Motley Crue (who have an umlaut
over the o and u). In their own ways, these bands were trend-setters.
Here is a substance-abused fueled story about Motley Crue. During their first
tour of Germany, the group's improper use of umlauts caused some
confusion. According to bassist Nikki Sixx: "All the kids were going,
'Mutley Cruh!' and we were going, 'Huh?'".
As bitchin' as umlauts are, somethings are best left alone.
F.U.Q. #3 WHAT KILLED THE SPINAL TAP DRUMMERS?
Joe "Mama" Besser/Disappeared, rumored alive
Peter "James" Bond/Spontaneous human combustion
Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs/Choked on someone else's vomit
John "Stumpy" Pepys/Bizarre gardening accident
Mick Shrimpton/Spontaneous human combustion
Ric Shrimpton/Possible kidney failure
Mick Fleetwood/Still alive
Spontaneous human combustion (or SHC) is defined by the Skeptic's
Dictionary as "the alleged process of a human body catching fire as a
result of heat generated by internal chemical action. While no one has
ever witnessed SHC, several deaths involving fire have been attributed
to SHC by investigators and storytellers."
F.U.Q. #4 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE STORY?
This will warm your heart...just when you lost faith in human kindness.
Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded
the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after
the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a
credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who coulduse
a lift.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old, and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all
alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is ninety-five. She always had her own radio. Before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers--even when she was
going to be out.
The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen
to mine. I said, "Fuck you."
Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna
F.U.Q. #5 WHY DON'T YOU GUYS POST THOSE WACKY "WANNA GET AWAY" JOKES?
1. CURL UP AND DIE: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. PAD PLEASE: An insurance man visited me at home to talk
about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures
at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old
son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in
front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46
3. HO, HO, HO: I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my
camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had
copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically,and
suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my
reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
- Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34,
Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS: A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When
she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax"
for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND
YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone
his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned
to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." She screamed.
"I did, "He said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
F.U.Q. #6 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TRUE STORY?
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man who, while home recovering from
having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken went to a
party one day where he passed out after drinking something and when he awoke
he was in a bathtub full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out
of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on
his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone
because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his
computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled
"Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the
year
2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all
the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie
recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last
week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES
HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney world vacation and $5,000
if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried
to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching
into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around
which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily
he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that
little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society
has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two
e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel
(if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but
ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten
people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried
to drive himself to the hospital, (Good thing he hadn't received the email
suggesting that he boycott the oil companies by not buying gas for his car)
but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on.
To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of
a gang initiation.
MYSTERIES ABOUT THE DUDES Some Are True And Some Could Be?
J.Dude is a former NASA astronaut, CIA agent and a Navy Seal.
Bud Dude once ate 23 hot dogs in 5 minutes on a dare.
Nate Dude is often mistaken for someone else (we're not sure just who).
Metal Dude once posed for Playgirl.
J. Dude is a second-cousin to David Lee Roth.
Metal Dude can drink a six-pack of Hamm's in two minutes and ten seconds.
Don Dude once attended a Menudo concert.
Nate Dude enjoys "Beanie Weinies" when back packing.
J. Dude wants to play "Hide The Salami"with Oksana Bauil.
Metal Dude can tune a guitar, but cannot tuna fish.
Bud Dude once drove a VW bus and sported an afro.
Nate Dude thinks that a tampon is a tool for climbing mountains.
J. Dude once bungee-jumped off of the Space Needle.
Metal Dude used to belong to the Leif Garrett fan club.
Don Dude uses a Magic 8 Ball to make important decisions.
Nate Dude once had his little brother eat skunk cabbage.
J. Dude can puke at will, just like Jay Buhner.
Metal Dude shot J.R. (who knew?).
Bud Dude once played the drums for 38 hours straight.
Nate Dude has a third nipple.
J. Dude knows what SPAM is made of.
Metal Dude once shot a man while robbing his castle...
Don Dude can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.
Nate Dude had his mouth washed out with soap as a boy.
J. Dude sleeps with a teddy bear.
Metal Dude once boasted that the world is FLAT!
Bud Dude used illegal fireworks twice, within the last four years.
Nate Dude was once a rodeo clown.
J. Dude plays a mean air guitar.
Metal Dude can put his whole fist in his mouth and chew off his toe nails (but not at the same time, of coarse).
Bud Dude once met Gerald Ford.
J.Dude knows all of the words to "Come Sail Away" by Styx in Japanese.
Nate Dude believes in the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny and that "Nice is Good, Mean is Bad."
J. Dude thought that Metal Church was a really heavy place to go and worship.
Metal Dude won a guitar from Sammy Hagar in an arm-wrestling match.
Don Dude believes that a menstrual-cycle is a self-powered transportation machine.
Nate Dude lives in the same village that Nirvana is from.
